My mate Joe Chip asks: are space aliens communists?

by mymatejoechip

Many years ago Rod Serling of blessed memory promised that the aliens would return on 24 December 2011.  And not in some wishy washy invisible way, or in spirit, or in our hearts or any bullshit like that, they were supposed to return in a big fat obvious way and they did not.  Millions of dollars have been spent on SETI which could have been put into lotteries to be won by me and Comrade Edgarberger to fund world revolution.  Not a peep, not a skerrick of evidence that anyone out there is doing the watusi, or signalling away, “here we are, please come and strip our planets of all resources then go merrily on your way”.

When people comment to me, as they do, on the meaningless of life and how small we are compared to the size of the cosmos, as though size is a measure of importance, after spitting in their eye I remind them that size is merely a result of the age of an expansionary universe, and of course we are going to be seeing a universe this size because this is the size the universe has to be to have produced enough dead stars to make the carbon of which we are composed.  So in one sense the universe is a sign of a wasteful grandeur – all that shit out there just to make us.  Thats how important we are, suckers.

Its not only old enough to have produced us, but also a bunch of other civilisations (“bunch of” is a technical measurement).  Yet they have not contacted us.

Why the hell would they? As older civilisations they are of course more advanced and therefore must be communist.  We have nothing they want, and they would not seek to exploit us as capitalist aliens would.  Why do they not seek to establish a communist utopia here?  There are three reasons.  The first is why bother, such a development is inevitable, set out in the unalterable physical laws of the material universe.  The second is that such a development is a process, and the stages that need to be gone through cannot be rushed without damaging the course of history.  The third is that just as Stalin determined that there should be revolution in one country first, so some magnificent benevolent giant alien Josef Stalin has determined that there should be revolution in one planet first, which means that revolutionary movements on individual planets should not seek to relieve oppression on other planets.

The alternative is that there are no other civilisations, and we are it.  Considering how badly we are fucking everything up, if this is the one planet where there is life, and the point of the whole extravagant universe is to produce life, then the whole universe is in a shitload of trouble and basically, it is up to me and Comrade Edgarberger to do something about it.  There is nothing else for it – we must buy more lottery tickets now!!