My mate Joe Chip says: keep your hands off!

by mymatejoechip

“Ideas are far more powerful than guns. We don’t allow our enemies to have guns , why should we allow them to have ideas?” – Joseph Stalin

Too bloody right Uncle Joe.  Once we are sufficiently funded by lottery winnings, we shall be building a device capable of removing all ideas from our enemies heads (no it is not a gun – what is it with Americans and guns?)  The design is just about complete, based upon the cloudbuster built by Wilhelm Reich in his struggle against DOR (Deadly ORgone energy) (ok, it looks like a gun, but it does not shoot anything – Kate Bush had one in the Cloudbusting video – and wasn’t that amazing – hey Hans, Kate Bush knows the secret about the aliens too!  Plus she’s a girl!  And a good looking one!).  In the meantime, I say to our enemies, hands off our ideas, fascists, (and off Kate Bush as well) and here are some of the ideas that they are not allowed to have:

  • we don’t really know the names of dinosaurs because they were extinct before humans, and they couldn’t write
  • the conspiracy theory that man did not land on the moon is simply a diversion so you do not discover that manned flight is impossible
  • if you go back in time and have sex with your mother, and then have a sex change and go back in time and have sex with your father, so that you are both your parents, you are not covered by your parents health benefits
  • in the olden days, cars drove on the footpath and pedestrians walked on the road
  • any ideas about Kate Bush and quite a few other well known women (who can’t be named, as we suspect some may be crypto-fascists, and that might interfere with our street cred.  After the revolution though…)
  • deep beneath my parents house is an abandoned but fully functional theme park built eons ago by aboriginal people
  • maybe the world only began 5 minutes ago, but we came into being loaded up with false memories of our pasts.  Maybe it only just began now, and you have a false memory of reading the previous line.  Maybe it hasn’t started yet, and there is as yet only a false you.
  • there really is a tv-land and everyone there thinks differently to the people in real-land, but are so massively confident that it doesn’t matter (the real conspiracy theory – why we go along with the lie that really ugly people are attractive – surely its not just because we don’t want to hurt their feelings?  we hurt plenty of other people’s feelings)
  • Above the sky there is another earth, and above the other earth there is another sky, and so it goes up and up.  Mmmm, cake.
  • do ghosts have penises?  (only the boy ones)
  • that riches should be used to change the world, regardless of whether it is a good idea
  • the mad canoeist (its none of their business!)
  • are wombats really womb-bats?
  • the solar system is an atom
  • things about Edgar Edgarberger’s teeth (I cannot go into details, that is a matter for him)
  • that the Soviet Union was really a worker’s paradise, but they pretended they were only pretending it was a worker’s paradise, to keep all the riff raff out
  • if they can’t all be right, can they all be wrong?
  • true egalitarianism is the recognition that any human being, regardless of race, colour, religion, political affiliation, gender, sexual orientation, blah blah blah, can be an arsehole.
  • Big Bang, Big Crunch, we’ve done it all before, and we’re going to do it all again.  That’s where weltschmerz comes from.
  • irony is the opium of the elite
  • Where there is smoke, there is smoke.
  • Guns don’t kill people, well not just people.

Now until we sort the device out, nobody is allowed to think about any of these things.  If you find yourself doing so, please report for re-education immediately.  We will know.